Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
