Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
