I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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