We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
