that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
