They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize