So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
