The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
