The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
