I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
