White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
