I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
