She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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