i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
