Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
