i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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