No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize