I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
