I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I need to stop coming to work sober
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
please don't ironically join a cult
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