dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
