he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
