Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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