Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
