If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
