I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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