He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
