Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
