life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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