girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
