I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
