70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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