False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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