well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
