there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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