And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
