when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
