So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
