I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
