This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
