walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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