remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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