Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
