I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We left the knife in your bed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
