I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
