If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
