Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
