Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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