i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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