I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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