george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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