In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
