You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
