Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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