you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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